WHY Praying Felt Strange To Me!
Today I felt the urge to pray. It’s an interesting thing for me because I'm not a religious man by any means. I used to be, I think. But now I'm just.. well, I’m just not. Agnostic is the word I'd use to describe myself. I may not necessarily believe in God (at least not in the traditional sense), per say, but I always show respect. When I say that I am respectful towards God I mean thing such as I don't say the name in vain; "Oh my God," "Goddamn," "Jesus Christ," are not terms I use facetiously (or at all) like some people, religious or otherwise, do. I treat the religion with respect and when I do slip up and say something that I deem disrespectful, I apologize for it internally. To God. So, I suppose I do speak to God, but it’s never in the way I see or hear other people discuss their relationship with God; I don’t have conversations with God, nor do I praise God when something goes right, or scorn God when something goes wrong. I know it’s not the fault of God – one way or the other. I suppose you could say that I am someone who believes that there may be an entity such as God somewhere, (though not an elderly white man with a long, flowing beard) but I feel that such an entity is indifferent to our struggles. “My” God is not a caring or loving one, nor is "My" God vengeful or angry; instead "My" God is one that simply exists and allows us to do so as well; forever indifferent to us and what we do.
So, with that viewpoint in mind, I found it strange that I felt compelled to pray. To actually speak with God in the hopes that God might help me with a particularly dire situation that I find myself in. The catalyst for this thought came from telling people of the aforementioned situation and hearing each of them say that they’d pray for it all to work out in my favor. “I’ll pray for you,” “I’m praying for you,” “I’ll pray on it for you.” “You should pray.” It’s not as though I’ve never heard the phrases before, but for some reason today I just felt that it might be, I don’t know, worth trying I guess. So I walked outside and went to a quiet place behind my job, under a group of trees with branches that reached high and provided a comfortable layer of shade. I played my favorite piano instrumental playlist on Spotify and just relaxed as I let the soft sounds and cool breeze wash over me. And I just started talking, aloud. It was weird at first. Awkward, really. But I just kept talking and talking and it hit me.
I sounded ridiculous.
Here I am, praying to God about something so.. selfish. I mean, really it’s not all that selfish – but I’m praying for myself and hoping that this particular situation goes my way and that I don’t miss out on a very good opportunity that could prove extremely beneficial for the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m hoping for harm to come to someone else or anything like that. But, it was just the act of sitting there asking God (really the big tree that was casting the shadow over my head, but I suppose they’re one in the same) to help me out. And I thought to myself, what if God did? I mean what if I didn’t chock it up to luck or it being a fluke that it worked out for me. Does that mean that God is listening? That in times of great distress God will work for me to ensure that things will go in my favor? How does that work? Does God implant a thought or idea into the mind of someone else to get them to behave a certain way? Does God alter their judgment so that I come out ahead? Does that not take away free will? And if God’s not doing that – because in this particular situation, influencing a person is what would have to be done – then how is God helping? Because in order for God to do something *for* me, God would have to do something *to* someone else, at least in a situation such as this. Which.. which just seems strange. And scary. If that’s how this works, then how many times have I been influenced by God to do something I might not necessarily have done in order for someone else to benefit? Have I been influenced to forget something in an Interview because someone prayed beforehand that they would get the job, and so God made sure I didn’t so that they could? Or maybe someone prayed for a safe trip in their car and so I merged into a lane that I might not have and got hit in their stead? It’s strange to think about it like that. Scary, even. I’m not saying that’s the way it *is,* but I’m saying it’s the way it *could* be. But, I digress.
Let’s think about it from another point of view. What if nothing happens? Would that then just serve to reestablish my belief that God is indifferent to our struggles? Should I get angry at God for not helping me when I desperately wanted the help? It’s complicated, ya know? I suppose one could make the claim that God has, “other plans in store,” for me. It’s an optimistic viewpoint, for sure. But, I don’t know. It’s difficult to explain what I’m trying to say. I guess it’s like, if God is listening and is willing to help me out with this, and it all comes through like it’s supposed to, what does that mean? Like if I truly hold the belief that it was God who did this for me? Like, think about it in comparison to the struggles of some people in the world – like not having food or water or clothes or.. anything really – and them praying for more (or rather *something* to begin with) and even working towards getting that thing that they need.. what does it say that God did me a solid and not them? It’s bothersome to think about that. I see so many people thanking God for helping them get through situations and praising God for their successes and I just feel so conflicted about it all. Because why would God help some but not all? And if God is willing to do me a solid and help me out, should I really waste my prayer on myself? Shouldn’t I pray for something else? Like, if I had a genie and he was willing to give me a wish every now and then, should I waste it on myself, or should I use it for something else? Something bigger than my own struggle? And since we’re not talking about a Genie and we are talking about God, should we not use those prayers to pray for something bigger than our own problems and successes? I’m not discounting our personal struggles and what not; at the end of the day I’m still hoping that everything goes my way (not necessarily by way of mind-control/influence/Geass or anything like that) but I’m just wondering if I should use the power of prayer towards that or something even more important? If I’m going to pray, shouldn’t I pray for cooler weather or more world resources or less violence. Interesting that I would choose less violence because that would also mean influencing people to some extent. I don’t know. I guess I’m wondering if I should try to get the attention of God for something that’s really so petty. If you see a Fireman trying to put out a fire, do you ask him if he can help you tie your shoe? Weird, random example, but you get what I’m saying, right? I mean, this all kind of just comes down to whether or not God is actually invested in us like so many people believe. I probably seem even more ridiculous for writing this because I’m not even one of those people. But, I don’t know..
Truth be told I don't really know what my reason for posting this is for. Am I telling people to pray more? Pray less? Be less selfish? Be more caring? Maybe the opposite of both? Or did I just log into FaceBook and see "What's on your mind this morning?" splayed across the top of my phone’s screen and just decide to share? I don’t know. Take from his what you will. But, I mean, I guess just be good people. Selfless people. Care for one another and love one another and just be happy and try not to let the world bring you down and.. and yeah. Pray for each other. Pray for the big things. For the things that will matter. Pray as if you are made in God’s image. Pray the way you think God would if God had a God to Pray to, if that makes sense. I’m rambling now. So, I suppose it’s best that I stop.
So, with that viewpoint in mind, I found it strange that I felt compelled to pray. To actually speak with God in the hopes that God might help me with a particularly dire situation that I find myself in. The catalyst for this thought came from telling people of the aforementioned situation and hearing each of them say that they’d pray for it all to work out in my favor. “I’ll pray for you,” “I’m praying for you,” “I’ll pray on it for you.” “You should pray.” It’s not as though I’ve never heard the phrases before, but for some reason today I just felt that it might be, I don’t know, worth trying I guess. So I walked outside and went to a quiet place behind my job, under a group of trees with branches that reached high and provided a comfortable layer of shade. I played my favorite piano instrumental playlist on Spotify and just relaxed as I let the soft sounds and cool breeze wash over me. And I just started talking, aloud. It was weird at first. Awkward, really. But I just kept talking and talking and it hit me.
I sounded ridiculous.
Here I am, praying to God about something so.. selfish. I mean, really it’s not all that selfish – but I’m praying for myself and hoping that this particular situation goes my way and that I don’t miss out on a very good opportunity that could prove extremely beneficial for the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m hoping for harm to come to someone else or anything like that. But, it was just the act of sitting there asking God (really the big tree that was casting the shadow over my head, but I suppose they’re one in the same) to help me out. And I thought to myself, what if God did? I mean what if I didn’t chock it up to luck or it being a fluke that it worked out for me. Does that mean that God is listening? That in times of great distress God will work for me to ensure that things will go in my favor? How does that work? Does God implant a thought or idea into the mind of someone else to get them to behave a certain way? Does God alter their judgment so that I come out ahead? Does that not take away free will? And if God’s not doing that – because in this particular situation, influencing a person is what would have to be done – then how is God helping? Because in order for God to do something *for* me, God would have to do something *to* someone else, at least in a situation such as this. Which.. which just seems strange. And scary. If that’s how this works, then how many times have I been influenced by God to do something I might not necessarily have done in order for someone else to benefit? Have I been influenced to forget something in an Interview because someone prayed beforehand that they would get the job, and so God made sure I didn’t so that they could? Or maybe someone prayed for a safe trip in their car and so I merged into a lane that I might not have and got hit in their stead? It’s strange to think about it like that. Scary, even. I’m not saying that’s the way it *is,* but I’m saying it’s the way it *could* be. But, I digress.
Let’s think about it from another point of view. What if nothing happens? Would that then just serve to reestablish my belief that God is indifferent to our struggles? Should I get angry at God for not helping me when I desperately wanted the help? It’s complicated, ya know? I suppose one could make the claim that God has, “other plans in store,” for me. It’s an optimistic viewpoint, for sure. But, I don’t know. It’s difficult to explain what I’m trying to say. I guess it’s like, if God is listening and is willing to help me out with this, and it all comes through like it’s supposed to, what does that mean? Like if I truly hold the belief that it was God who did this for me? Like, think about it in comparison to the struggles of some people in the world – like not having food or water or clothes or.. anything really – and them praying for more (or rather *something* to begin with) and even working towards getting that thing that they need.. what does it say that God did me a solid and not them? It’s bothersome to think about that. I see so many people thanking God for helping them get through situations and praising God for their successes and I just feel so conflicted about it all. Because why would God help some but not all? And if God is willing to do me a solid and help me out, should I really waste my prayer on myself? Shouldn’t I pray for something else? Like, if I had a genie and he was willing to give me a wish every now and then, should I waste it on myself, or should I use it for something else? Something bigger than my own struggle? And since we’re not talking about a Genie and we are talking about God, should we not use those prayers to pray for something bigger than our own problems and successes? I’m not discounting our personal struggles and what not; at the end of the day I’m still hoping that everything goes my way (not necessarily by way of mind-control/influence/Geass or anything like that) but I’m just wondering if I should use the power of prayer towards that or something even more important? If I’m going to pray, shouldn’t I pray for cooler weather or more world resources or less violence. Interesting that I would choose less violence because that would also mean influencing people to some extent. I don’t know. I guess I’m wondering if I should try to get the attention of God for something that’s really so petty. If you see a Fireman trying to put out a fire, do you ask him if he can help you tie your shoe? Weird, random example, but you get what I’m saying, right? I mean, this all kind of just comes down to whether or not God is actually invested in us like so many people believe. I probably seem even more ridiculous for writing this because I’m not even one of those people. But, I don’t know..
Truth be told I don't really know what my reason for posting this is for. Am I telling people to pray more? Pray less? Be less selfish? Be more caring? Maybe the opposite of both? Or did I just log into FaceBook and see "What's on your mind this morning?" splayed across the top of my phone’s screen and just decide to share? I don’t know. Take from his what you will. But, I mean, I guess just be good people. Selfless people. Care for one another and love one another and just be happy and try not to let the world bring you down and.. and yeah. Pray for each other. Pray for the big things. For the things that will matter. Pray as if you are made in God’s image. Pray the way you think God would if God had a God to Pray to, if that makes sense. I’m rambling now. So, I suppose it’s best that I stop.
Happy Wednesday, everybody.
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